I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
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Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Someone just threatened to call me later
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*