The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
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“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
me adding lol on a serious message
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.