[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
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What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Plant care tips
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps