Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”