Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
You Might Also Like
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.