I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
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Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??