If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
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I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.