me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
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computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
mumsnet is amazing
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Spider-cat: No One Home