If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
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It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy