I’m giving up for Lent.
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Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
#parenting
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision