Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
You Might Also Like
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.