“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
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[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.