I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
This is a true ally.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Trying