Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”