I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
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13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.