ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
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Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]