Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
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For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
My inexpensive home security system…
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.