Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
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foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.