[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
You Might Also Like
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free