Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
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me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.