all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.