When they try to steal your moment.
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How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin