I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
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I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My dog ate my work from home.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm