Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
You Might Also Like
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.