“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
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Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.