ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
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No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.