M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
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Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Me, reading some of your tweets
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.