I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
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HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Oh we’ve met.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.