We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
You Might Also Like
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
good let them take over I have had enough
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro