Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
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I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Ok but actually
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.