[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
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BaD BoY!!
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.