Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
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Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Who.
Did.
This?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
i want the dreams to chase me for once