Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
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magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.