Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.