People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
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Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*