If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
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[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.