Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from