Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
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This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
🙅🏻
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]