Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
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if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
こいつ天才
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
respect
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?