6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
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Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.