me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
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You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.