FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
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“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.