I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
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All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
😂💯
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*