I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Wednesday