Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
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It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!