Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
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“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
smartest karate player in the world
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
what’s the point then??
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
What if the weather talks about us?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.