[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
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If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother