One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
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ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
#Caturday
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know