Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
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The news in a nutshell.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
If a snake ate a cake
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*