Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
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Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.